I THINK it’s about time someone invented a silent crisp.
There you are, sitting in front of the TV and you fancy a snack. A glass of pop and a bag of cheese and onion will do very nicely. Except that you soon became aware this is a wrong choice.
You pull the bag apart with a crackle that would disturb your deaf grandma who lives in Darlington and realise it is impossible to eat any of the golden wonders inside without breaking noise abatement regulations governing the disturbance of small screen drama.
An apple is just as bad.
All that crunching and mastication in public.
It’s not too bad if everyone is sitting round with a tray on their knees and you’re watching something where ambience or every syllable is less than crucial. Like the news. Or a Jonathan Ross interview. Or a Ricky Gervais comedy.
But if you and your partner and family have settled down for something important with Benedict Cumberbatch then snacking is a dangerous game.
There have been times when I have even annoyed myself while watching a TV drama on my own.
“Get rid of that apple now,” I have told myself.
“How dare you consider celery at a time like this?” I have self-chastised.
Even a surreptitious suck on a wine gum can disturb.
Maria and I were watching The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo the other night. The original three hour Swedish version, not the Daniel Craig Hollywood film. Very intense and needed concentration.
Fortunately, it came in two parts and, when the first part ended, we took a break for a drink and a snack. Much like back in the 1950s and 1960s when epics were the thing and always came with a break in the middle for refreshments. Tea, coffee, ice cream, pop, hot dog. Three course dinner.
Perhaps that’s the answer? Proper TV dramas should have a break halfway through with a bell giving a two minute warning to return to your seat and put away noisy food.
It sounds good to me. Now all I have to do is persuade Maria to wear a uniform and carry the tray.
Unless someone can invent the silent crisp.