There you are girls, there is nothing for it now but to give up.
Scientists have discovered a chemical caused by frying, grilling and roasting that doubles the risk of cancer in women.
So that’s it – no more cooked food for you.
I knew they’d get us sooner or later.
For years they have been whittling down the list of things you can eat knowing you have more than a 50-50 chance of not keeling over after the last forkful.
Beefburgers, bacon, butter, barbecues, processed cheese, runny eggs, red meat, sweeteners, milk chocolate, five fat sausages sizzling in a pan and all that lovely tasty stuff containing monosodium glutamate, e-numbers and various delicious looking dyes, are all off the menu if you want to live beyond the weekend.
It has left us with whatever we can knock up out of broccoli, blueberries, black chocolate and a mackerel.
Well ladies, now you cannot even have your mackerel cooked and don’t even consider smoking it. All that salt!
Acrylamide is the little chemical devil cooking releases and there’s a link between it and ovarian cancer.
Presumably, you are safe enough with raw food – nuts, salad and vegetables and – when you get desperate – just close your eyes, tip your head back, dangle the fresh mackerel with your right hand over your open mouth and let go.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, yep, I could just about manage a hermit-vegan starvation diet, as long the man in my life gets his fish and chips and all-English – and then the scientists clobber you with even more bad news.
Potatoes, bread, coffee and breakfast cereals also contain a dose of the same toxic stuff.
I have worked out that: ‘Here we go again! Some horrible stuff I’d never heard of before in food is linked to cancer in women’ is an exact anagram of: ‘My God, I am sick to death of stupid scare stories. put about by stupid scientists. I didn’t get CJD when they promised it me so I’m taking no notice of this one either.’
There seems to be a ratio in play here. The more they find foods that can kill us and the more they warn obesity is doing the nation in, the longer we are actually living.
It’s as if life itself was as fed up with the scientists as we are.
Get beyond the latest cancer story and you find another load of scientists have been up to something completely different.
They have discovered – oh yes they have – sex and chocolate boosts your brain power.
Personally, I find it just makes a mess of the sheets, but I know which lab I’d rather be working in.